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Puma

It must be a bugger being Puma. Nike and Adidas have snaffled up all the really top names in world football, meaning they're left with the B-list dregs. (Having the world's most expensive goalkeeper, Gianluigi Buffon, onboard is one thing, but Jermaine Jenas?! Clutching at straws there, lads...)

So, they wonder, how to compensate? By signing up arguably the greatest player the world has ever known.

And what do they do with Pele?

Have him utter the nonsensical phrase "Wilkommen zum Fussball" before sitting back and grinning in smug contentment like a toddler in toilet training perched on the potty and pleased with his efforts at bowel control.

How the mighty have fallen - or, rather, been persuaded to fall by the lure of lucre.